Notes from the conference and the first day on restorative Circles, Paris , 11-1-19
For me, It went further than just Restorative circle In Justice and Education, as I saw many connections to my own work in System Design, and techniques likes #SolutionFocus, #AppreciativeInquiry, #Effectuation.
farther or closer ?
If X is talking to me, and I increase the distance , what will he do ?
Probably , he will have to raise the voice… which may make me increase the distance even more… and now, he will shout…
And why if I would get closer to him when he shouts, instead of fleeing ?
This is one core hypothesis explored in #RestorativeCircles. ( and in #nvc)
This metaphor works for the relation between two people; but also around two parts of me, internally.
What if I would listen more to the part of me crying, shouting for attention ? #nvc
Conflict exists because you care
We are educated to fear and avoid conflicts.
But conflits are part of the relation .
You only have a conflict because you care about someone , a relation, something.
Otherwise you would not mind. You will filter it out, ignore it .
not affinity but Sharing risks:
A community is not the people I like, who like the same things than me, who lives near me, who pray like me, etc
But the people who accept to share the same risks than me.
The one who will stay in the same neigbouhood when things gets tough, (and not flee),
The one who share the same software, the same common…
Any changes brings Chaos, at least for some time…
What works well
What does not works well
How do we want it to be
I connected it to #SolutionFocus, #effectuation and #AppreciativeInquiry
we should have “attention to structure” :
I do not care ab out a room when I come in, but if it was badky designed, I could not work in it…
If the structure does not permit dialog, the structure will change ( inevitably , have to ) — Paolo Frey
to design your restorative circle ( #structure)
don’t try to make it right, make it effective
1- Stop to follow an external authority, start going circular
usually we have the tendency to resolve conflit by referring to the most powerful person around
2- attention to time and space
- room should be safe, favorable condition .first condition: sound !
- Make sure clock time [^1] is not going to interupt the connexion
: room taken by another meeting, lunch time, time break in school
3- community practice – have a host , guardian- a facilitator- not a mediator
he does not take decision, he follows community decision
4- everybody know how to use the system
- not everybody need to know how to BUILD the system
- But everybody need to know how to use it
5- have an access point
- Like 101 phone , or generic mail , or … it should be easy to contact and use it ( to request a circle)
Any system building require a support system
(The Support system is) Not the people you like or frequent, but build on a deliberate agreement
Assuming autonomy ( for grown up) means to only act on people requests, assuming they are grown up enough to do it, to raise a request ( and know how) . In other words , you would not interfere in someone else business unless he request it . This is also the #nvc assumption
The moment I need the support the most, I may not be able to request it.
( hypotheses: I may be #siderated )
that means Pro-activity may be required from the support system.
Need regular, concrete, support Network. Test it so you can trust it
The support group is the first group to be trained at non violence
The opposite of non violence ( is not violence) but the submission to fear . — Gandhi
You can’t have 100 % autonomy that would means closing relations
efficacy is not related to talent, Books, diploma but
the ability to be less incongruent than the people around us.
don’t try to make it right, make it effective
if words can hurt , should I restrict them ? restrict (free) expression, ? Forbid them ?
Should I restrict my power because you have less ?
this reminded me of current movement around #RadicalCandor
or the paradoxes around innovation :
1 A tolerance for failure requires an intolerance for incompetence
2 A willingness to experiment requires rigorous discipline
3 Psychological safety requires comfort with brutal candor
Honesty : what are you the most afraid of ? Say it
See the Distinction between expression and communication
- you need to be heard and reformulated
- reformulate concisely, and ask ” is that it ?”
When you reformulate, there are 3 possible answers:
- yes this is it
- yes, and …
- no, … ( try again) but this time he will try and be more concise
At the beginning, lots of words, less meaning; then less words, more meaning i.e. more meaning per word, heavier words.
Dialogue and connexion have a transformative action